I am addicted to Kpop badly, like literally badly. You might have seen me educating people left and right for taking Kpop too seriously. But the hypocrisy is that I am one of those people who just think about Kpop or a certain idol 24/7. I am all alone, my parents know nothing about me and we hardly communicate due to the generation gap or difference in ideologies. I just sit all day with my Laptop on searching for that particular idol or just random KPOP stuff. I daydream about a certain idol 24/7 and this is the most delusional I have ever been. It's the hypocrisy that I canceled so many people for being delusional and here I am, creating a whole new life with that certain idol. I don't do anything productive and only daydream. It's to the point that I have stopped taking my meds. It's toxic and really toxic. I have social anxiety issues that people hardly understand and I am constantly under severe stress over how a coward like me will get a job? I can't speak shit with strangers and my BP drops to the lowest with heartbeats reached to abnormal heights. I have no future, I am a coward. Daydreaming about that idol gives me temporary relief but I know it's destroying my life. Idk why I just can't stop myself, I literally try to educate people how fabricated the KPOP industry is, and KPOP idols project controlled personalities that are fake yet I think about that idol 24/7. I am willing to die, I have tried to suicide many times and failed it. It's just difficult to survive. During my teens, I thought attempting suicide was normal as my hormones were acting up but now I am at age 21 and still think about getting killed. I had a very depressive phase when my dad and grandfather got covid and I had to share my room with my toxic aunty who messed the f up my mind. Basically, I am thinking to leave KPOP and AKP for a while because rn Lockdown has affected my mental health worsely and I am a coward and not a fighter who can kill myself, for surviving I need to let go of Kpop. Thank you AKP.