Is this a friend, enemy or a frenemy?

I have/had a coworker, Tim, who paid for my lunch for over a month when I was new to the city because outlets wanted online payment (a very foreign concept to me, back then) not cash. He refused to let me repay him till I tricked him to take it. When I paid for myself he joked that I learnt it so fast so I wouldn't want to be indebted to him. There was a device I wanted for weeks he overhead that I wanted it and the person incharge personally handed me the device.

Now Tim is very conservative and his stance on feminism is quote "fuck feminism" which idk if its another "joke" or if it explains these incidents. If I shook a coworkers hand to wish him luck he questioned it till another coworker intervened. When I was overloaded with work, he defended my verbally abusive boss, but took on the project with me so I could finish sooner. If I laughed with another coworker he'd call my boss and say it's disturbing him or he'll report us to HR "jokingly". The same day when I had to stay back he asked if I had a lot of work. I said yes and he said its because I do no work. If a friend trying to cheer me up hands me a few pieces of chocolate, he'd eat them judging me for accepting it but buy the same chocolate and offer it days later. When I bickered with a coworker in whos eyes the boss could do no wrong but anything I said was twisted to sound ridiculous, Tim would say he will always take the coworkers side, not mine. He "jokingly" said the only other woman on our team besides the boss was out to get me during the time when I cut him off for his "jokes". That lovely lady was the ONLY one who spoke up for me against my boss. These incidents are confusing because yes a lot of them can pass of as jokes but some of them seem out of line.

Tim was friends with my boss who gave him a lot of opportunities. I've seen him be put down by another boss. The other boss was directly snide whereas my boss was covertly abusive to the women on our team.

If I seperate the art from the artist. Tim is a genius in the making and encouraged me to start putting my work out there too. Whenever these incidents happen I just go into my shell and then Tim immediately stops with his "jokes" but after a few weeks it resurfaces just like before. I want these "jokes" to stop or grow a thicker skin for the sake of learning from Tim.

Quote from alexS

my two cents? He's grooming you and considers you his property.

Quote from Pinky_Peachy

RED FREAKING FLAGS

Replies on akp give me more perspective but ngl I lowkey hoped it was tough love from a misogynistic abrasive mentor who wanted me to be more dedicated without distractions but the sooner I see it for what it is, the better.

Quote from horizonshard

I can only see major problems from that "relationship".

I would distance yourself from him immediately, and try to expand your connection with other coworkers.

It seems to me he wants you to be dependent on him and only him.

Yeah your right, neither him nor my boss were okay with precisely that...even "called me out" for smiling/waving at people outside the team, they aren't on my team now so they flipped the switch on that. I chalked it upto them being conservative but yeah this adds up better...but I'm a bit confused on the dependancy part... Won't having someone depend on you just be a burdern?

Quote from horizonshard

There are people that like having someone be dependent on them and only them. If you have others you can go to besides him, then he doesn't have control over you anymore.

I think he doesn't see it as a burden, but more as petting his feeling of superiority and control.

Ah...that makes sense...

Edit: Thank you!

Quote from bo-thebear

Well I'm kinda late to the party but he seems like a major "nice guy". If you don't know what a Nice Guy is, it's a man who treats a woman well and respectfully to prove he's not like other men, but if the woman doesn't reciprocate feelings or doesn't respond the way he wants to, then his behavior becomes rude and even aggresive. Nice guys dunk on other women and are typically misogynists

Tim fits the description pretty well imo I'm sorry this happened to you. Normally these guys act this way if something you have is of interest to them, which probably explains why he also gets along well with your boss...

I know it's hard in this context but try to put boundaries and do your best to distance yourself. He seems like your typical idiot but there are some real creepos out there. Take care

by the way it's common-nobody. changed my username a few days ago

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Your right on time! Ah yeah that certainly fits Tim and his passive aggressive behaviour. I don't have to interact much with him anymore! Ah I knew it! What does this new username stand for?