Advice on emotionally draining relationship?

Calling the oldies of AKP for advice share your wisdom, prunes

So I've had this friend I've known for a little while. We connected very well from the start, and he's very attentive when it comes to what I say, but sometimes when I try to talk with him about people mistreating me, he'll try to discredit it by saying something like "maybe they didn't mean that" or even laugh. I once told him about being bullied at work and he actually said "you probably just imagined it." I actually told him something pretty traumatic that happened to me, and he laughed. He said sorry about it afterwards, but whyyyy is that your immediate response to something terrible a friend told you about their life?

Maybe I'm just paranoid, but he knows stuff about me that I've never said told him before. Not secrets per say, just stuff I've brought up in conversation with other friends (when he was probably around, like before and after class). There were times when I got this stalker-ish vibe from him, but I tried to dismiss it because... idk, I needed someone while I was having troubles with other friends and people. I really wanted to believe there was just someone who genuinely cared about me, but now looking back, I get this sense that he was using my problems or my secrets for entertainment value?

Sometimes, he'll send me something rude or toxic over discord, but then he'll delete what he said? But sometimes I delete texts I don't like just because they sound dumb, and he'll get angry and say "why did you delete that?" or "put back what you wrote."

Side note: this guy is from a group filled with people who have a tendency to mildly harass me. One of the girls from the group apparently made a very condescending joke about me that struck a really delicate cord, and my friend brought it up and after quoting her, he said "oh, yeah, and everybody laughed after that." Like, that might be funny to you, but it's hurtful towards me.

He implies I'm "making stuff up" when I talk to him about being bullied... and before I thought maybe he's just naive? But now I'm thinking that maybe he's not just naive? Maybe he's just a jerk? He also wants me to fix the "friendship" I had with the girl who made the condescending "joke" about me, even though she spent a year using me to vent and then gaslit me when I started to distance myself from her because I needed space to work on my own life.

Anyway, I've been reflecting and spending time away from him lately, but today I just asked "hey, how was your day?" and he said "let me know when you've dedicated a MINIMUM hour to talk" and just... it's really draining to hang out with him, and I don't have that energy.

I want to cut him out of my life completely... I want to focus on myself, and my old best friends, and a new friend who is one of the most amazing people I've ever met, who don't mind if I need space or just want to chat for a couple of minutes instead of a "minimum" hour... But I'm scared to. I told him a lot about myself, and honestly I'm scared that if I do let go completely and push him out, he'll talk to that group of people about everything and my feelings about them.

Quote from Lulu_Key

excuse miss what?

you literally wrote an essay on how you let this person be toxic AF to you

why would you do this to yourself?

There is no dealing with these people, just throw them in trash and cut your losses

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I don't know. I didn't have anybody else, and it wasn't like it was always toxic behavior, they were nice to me in between the negative stuff that's been said. It's easier for me to see what's actually happened, now that it's mostly in hindsight, but even though I can see it more clearly and understand it's better to get everyone in the group out of my life, I don't know how to do that. I just feel like I'm constantly surrounded by them, and even if I leave, I know they're going to bring me up again and again to critique me. It sucks to be on their bad side, but getting to be on their good side is at least accommodating. I have this itching feeling that if I stay, and get back on that good side, I won't have to stress about this guy or the idea of the group hating on me anymore.

Quote from xx-jenn-xx

that's just stupid...no offense, stop trying to please a bunch of idiots who don't give a rats ass about you. Let them talk shit, be the bigger person and walk away instead of submitting to this behavior...Learn to stand up for yourself. They are using you, taking you for granted, and taking advantage of you. Why the fuck should you stay on anyone's good side? like no.

do the old saying out of sight out of mind. If you know where they hang out where they will be avoid it, if you can. Ignore them. Don't even give them your attention or the time of day.

Quote from Lulu_Key

excuse miss what?

you literally wrote an essay on how you let this person be toxic AF to you

why would you do this to yourself?

There is no dealing with these people, just throw them in trash and cut your losses

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okay, okay... Never thought I'd say thank you to someone for calling me stupid, but thank you. I guess it's better to realize how wrong I've been the past year of my life than to live through it another year. I'll tell him bye to make it clear I'm not interested in any of it anymore.

Probably, the worst of this is I have to tell a mutual of ours who I still get along with that we can't keep our sort-of friendship, because she will defend his words and try to get us back together. Hopefully I can avoid them well enough...

okay, i sent him the message making stuff clear and saying bye... hopefully he understands this is final and doesn't try to reach out some other way.

Quote from xx-jenn-xx

at this point, block him. it will keep you from being tempted to read his stuff, get hurt from his response, etc. just block him, block his number, block anywhere he can contact you and if he tries to do it in person walk away.

i did just forgot to mention it

Quote from the101

Everything lulu and jenn have said with sprinkles on top.

I spent too much time in a toxic relationship that did a number on me and one thing I've learned is someone who cares about you doesn't say things to intentionally hurt you. If they do, that's not a healthy relationship and you should run. (Of course feelings get hurt - that's what happens in relationships but when someone is INTENTIONALLY being hurtful, that is a totally different bag of chips.) Whether it's a friend or a romantic relationship, you don't need that in your life.

Similarly, sure, a friend might tell you that you're overreacting to something or misreading it or being too sensitive - but that's in a safe space after you've shared your feelings and they're just adding some perspective from the cheap seats, ya know? But there is a world of difference between a friend talking common sense to us vs someone belittling us for feeling a way.

As for a mandatory time requirement, chile, this ain't a parking lot. I can't with that. If spending time was really so important, he could have reached out to you and asked what was going on. Because if I had a friend that I was close with and didn't talk to me, I would at least reach out to make sure everything was okay. People certainly need their space but I'd at least check in, not bitch about not getting your time - but just making sure you're alright. That response tells me all I need to know.

As for the friend of a friend or whatever, maybe that person needs to go, too? Again, all these folks seem very focused on themselves and not you or your thoughts or feelings. Healthy relationships are a two-way street. Friends listen.

Let's put the shoe on the other foot. If I came to you - upset- and said this person always says mean things and makes me feel bad, wouldn't you tell me to stop hanging out with that person and I deserved better?

Of course you would.

You should extend the same grace and kindness and love to yourself that you'd extend to another person.

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yes, him not asking me if i was okay (since i wasn't talking) was the nail in the coffin for me... i mean, we sort of had this dumb running joke where we'd say "you're probably spending time with [name] instead of me," but i thought that was just a joke, and maybe it was at first, but not by the end of it all...

Quote from the101

Oh you already sent the message in the time it took me to type up my essay.

it still helped me feel better