[marriage & in-laws] I RECEIVED A PROPOSAL BUT I SAID THAT I ONLY WANT TO DATE

    We've been dating for 8 years and my boyfriend proposed to me.


    Since we've been together for a long time, we became familiar with one another, we communicate so well to the point that we cannot imagine our lives without each other and we know each other the best and the relationship is comfortable so I like it.


    But marriage is a different thing...

    My boyfriend's family are very difficult.

    His mother doesn't want to work whatsoever so his father can't help but be the only income earner of the family.. Besides, he also has a troublesome maknae who cannot settle down and he has a nuna who said that she wanted to go into arts and is still not earning any income now..


    It's not like I didn't know about this situation... I really like my boyfriend and if I think about building a family with him, I get happy but

    I don't want to become family with my boyfriend's parents and siblings and these thoughts outweighs the former ones.


    Nevertheless, because we've been seeing each other for a long time, I have hope that his siblings would settle down... that when his parents retire, they find some pastime...


    But as expected... the mother who always lived while saying that they don't have money at home said that even if his father retired, he isn't thinking about having a pastime but that his body hurts here and there and that he needs to go to the hospital...

    The troublesome maknae dongsaeng isn't getting into troubles anymore but they can barely manage to get their own food and they just feel like a ticking bomb, so I think that I'll always be anxious about the next time they'll get into trouble..


    The father said that he'll take care of the expenses once he retires but I think that it will be difficult to do so...


    My boyfriend said that he cannot cut ties with his family

    But he proposed to me... to be honest, I cannot accept it


    I'm happy to date you and I'm happy to be able to marry and start a family with you but if I get entangled with your family's affairs, I feel like my life will end...

    I just want to date you. I originally had thoughts of wanting to marry you but it's good and I'm fine with just dating you too.

    Also, I told you later that I'd think about getting married when your family is not your first priority, but I'm the priority.


    Am I wrong for being like this...?

    His parents who always want to receive something more is the opposite of my parents who always want to give something more. With my sense of duty and anxiety, I feel like even if I marry him, I think that I'll get a divorce later...


    I said that it's good to just date too and that if he still wants to get married, that we should break up

    So my boyfriend said that if that's the case, then we should just date... but I don't even know if this is right

    No matter how much I like my boyfriend, I have no confidence that I will embrace his family and accept them... is breaking up the solution? If not, should we continue dating?


    post response:

    [+963][-58]

    original post: here


    1. [+712, -17]

    You need to break up. The reason: when you guys get older and can't get married, it's obvious that he'll be blaming you... seeing how your boyfriend is proposing to you even under such circumstances, he's someone who think that marriage is possible even with his situation. He's someone who wants to do everything with others even if he doesn't have the reasons to... He will 100% blame you


    2. [+506, -9]

    It's better to break up. If you guys get older and can't get married he'll say that he can't get married because of you and I don't know how it's gonna turn out. It's harder to have a safe break up as time goes on


    3. [+380, -29]

    What a smart lady... When you get older and open your eyes more, you'll know how smart your decision is. Marriage doesn't complete love. It's fine to just date.


    4. [+182, 0]

    I'm giving you a sincere advice and it is to just break up. He's a man who has hopes of marriage despite his difficult family situation so as soon as he doesn't think about marriage anymore, he'll be so quick at thinking only about expenses and money. I hope that you don't have to experience that. It takes less than 3 months to turn 8 years of love into trash


    5. [+147, -2]

    Why is everyone saying that she's smart?ㅋㅋ; she wasted 8 years dating a man like him... It's not like she had no thoughts about marriage and just like OP wrote, I don't think that she's never thought about marriage? (OP said that if she becomes his priority, then she'd marry him)

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    Why date someone you know you dont wanna be tied down to his family for 8 years??????

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    Quote from Lulu_Key

    Why date someone you know you dont wanna be tied down to his family for 8 years??????

    She likes the person, not the situation. I can understand she doesn't wanna move on but his fam sounds like a ton of trouble.


    Either his family's finances should be mostly separated from the two or she might end up paying for the whole roster of her in-laws.

    Quote from Kataphract

    She likes the person, not the situation. I can understand she doesn't wanna move on but his fam sounds like a ton of trouble.


    Either his family's finances should be mostly separated from the two or she might end up paying for the whole roster of her in-laws.

    It's almost impossible

    she can do a prenup and have separate finances.


    Her husband will likely spend most of his extra earning on his family. That will work untill they have kids. Then she has to makeup the fact that her husband income is all going to his family.


    If you are in relationship with someone more than a year you should think of long term implications.

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    Quote from Kataphract

    deadass same tho


    Quote from ArmyBlinkOnce0

    Lulu, I thought that you were writing this thread and that the whole boyfriend proposing thing was about you until I read the comments and you response lol.


    I was trying to figure out how to write a nice response on how you should break up with your boyfriend, thank god I don't have to.

    Omg lmao


    To be honest I'm in the bf shoes

    My family doesn't have financial trouble but they have other problems I always get roped into

    I won't stay with someone long term if they can't accept that as I will never abandon my family too

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    Bleeding wallets all around...

    *sigh*


    at this point I'd even make a point that they should try to do things like get solar to sell power back to the power utility company, or to mine crypto to sell just to have *some* sort of passive income.


    the better advice in all of this is to just not really marry until maybe another year and see if things resolve out but he already proposed soooo.


    oh! She could probably do something like buying bonds as gifts to the in-laws. It eventually stacks up over time; it pays a small amount of money yearly.


    (edit: if she buys US30Y, the US Treasury's 30 year Treasury bond, She'd need to buy $453k worth of those bonds to completely float a person above the US poverty line for 30 years.) (and because the US poverty line (yearly cost) is 13,590 according to the federal register and times that by 30, she'd be able to set that person up for 60 years. Note: she can't really go lower because the bonds pay out yearly and that means any lower and that family member is going to have to live below poverty (UNLESS THEY GET A JOB))

    Quote from Lulu_Key

    Omg lmao


    To be honest I'm in the bf shoes

    My family doesn't have financial trouble but they have other problems I always get roped into

    I won't stay with someone long term if they can't accept that as I will never abandon my family too

    lmfao *i'm* the unemployed one in my family lolol my mom and dad are in decently high paying jobs so far but my mom is really shovelling me down the path of finding another job lmfao.

    Quote from Kataphract

    lmfao *i'm* the unemployed one in my family lolol my mom and dad are in decently high paying jobs so far but my mom is really shovelling me down the path of finding another job lmfao.

    My family has health problems

    really not their faults and nothing they can do to change it

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    Quote from Kataphract

    ooo that stings for sure.


    medical care is so expensive too, at least stateside.


    (for my family, the biggest financial strain is putting me and my sister through college, though me especially because my sister got a scholarship)

    but it's not a financial problem? We got universal health care and my parents got good jobs and extra insurance.


    There is a huge emotional toll

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    I think it has to do with korea's expectation to marriage life, you kinda become part of you husband's family and have to do things for you mother in law and stuff. This is such a shitty situation for both parts, she should break up since she knows she has no intention of marrying him, this can become ugly as the time goes, let him find someone who is willing to be there for him.

    Quote from Lulu_Key

    but it's not a financial problem? We got universal health care and my parents got good jobs and extra insurance.


    There is a huge emotional toll

    Sorry I kinda assumed haha - That's good to hear that the situation is well covered tho.


    Yea - constantly worrying about ongoing conditions is really heavy. I can't say I know exactly what that feels like but anything that goes wrong is met with months of stressful phone calls to and from the hospital ( for my gran). She's generally healthy but she's just so fragile...

    i genuinely find it useless to be in a long term relationship with someone who you have no plans to marry. and seeing as how much she already knows she doesn't want to marry him with his family's situation, she shouldn't be dating him.

    This relationship is doomed to end badly.


    Loving each other does not mean you should stay together?


    It would be one thing if they were in America, where people don't really care if you have a family and aren't married. Since OP is very socially conscious, I can't see them being willing to have a family outside of marriage. Edit: Plus, even without the social aspect, having kids means money and utilizing shared income. Still not a good idea.


    So what's the end result here? It's like driving down a path that you already know is a dead end. I'm assuming they are young? Maybe not, but if you guys stay together and get to the point where you both want families, then what are you going to do? You're going to have to break up.


    Someone is going to have to compromise, or otherwise, you're just wasting each other's time. Unfortunately, to me, it sounds like it's the latter.

    PGDPGT PRETTY GIRLS DOING PRETTY GIRL THINGS

    417aa1c7e1372f9ae29d8e2f659d3f12cf0db4d9.gifv0d1493f18550d15d02f4c2bba44c12bdc01f518d.gifv

    interesting


    assuming that it's korean couple then I also assume that korea is somewhat like china in that sense...


    in that case marriage is between two people yes but in our cultures one is effectively marrying into his or her family as well so families have a huge say/role in asian marriages so if one doesn't get along with the other's family it's almost a deal breaker then and there...

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