Most disturbing update I have read on reddit, why you should dump someone at first red flags instead of spending years with them

So many red flags, like he saw a future but didnt want to sponsor her for 3 years? Like, I get it if it was someone you didn't saw a future with or you barely knew, but if the person who is in a relationship with you when given the chance back off from the only thing that would keep you two together? He literally says he wanted to have a HOME with her but didn't want to be responsible for her for 3 years? Make that make sense

Edit: tbh the whole thing smells like fanfic to me, not that I don't think there's people like that, it's just the way it is worded

Quote from Lulu_Key

A future where he can leech off her more

Not when she is down and in need of help

Dumbest excuse was if I sponsored her I couldn't sponsored someone else for 3 years

If you aren't sponsoring your 5 year gf, who the fuck else would you in the next 3 years???

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I don't understand how anyone can defend this. She was frantically searching to work, she had money put to the side as well. SHE GAVE HIM THE MONEY BEFORE DYING. This woman must have been a fucking angel, how do u not know ur own person? My god. This guy had zero sympathy, and quite clearly gave no fucks about anyone besides himself.

Quote from selfmate

see the way I see it is:

I don't blame him for the non-sponsorship - that's his choice but what I do blame him for is backing out of that decision once made...

he said he/ they consulted an immigration consultant so he seemed to understand the risks/benefits dangers etc etc at that point but he still choose to go ahead anyway...

which to me seems he had an ethical albeit not legal obligation to continue through the process...

up until that point he had no ethical obligations but he said yes and promised her that he would...

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I understand your point of view but it's also hard for me to judge the guy because many specifics are missing like how much time they had when they applied for sponsorship, after he backed off how much time she had to find a job/solution, his financial situation, their relationship etc. I know in a perfect, ethical world people would always do the right thing but sadly humans are not perfect. It is easy to get scared once you come to signing off on something that makes you legally responsible. He sounds very unprepared and immature guy but that doesn't automatically make him an asshole and responsible for her death.

Quote from Lulu_Key

That part really hurts

She loved him even after getting screwed over and she gave him whatever saving she had before she passed away.

How he doesn't feel bad is just beyond me

Can't be normal

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He's not. I would be beyond devastated in a situation like this, not asking for reddit sympathy to shed some of the guilt.

He shouldn't have suggested for taking her responsibility if he wasn't sure. He lifted up her hopes and everything only to let it all fall apart for her.

If he didn't trust his gf enough to do this for her after five years together, why was he still with her in the first place? Stop wasting people's time. Seriously.

Quote from Noemi

I understand your point of view but it's also hard for me to judge the guy because many specifics are missing like how much time they had when they applied for sponsorship, after he backed off how much time she had to find a job/solution, his financial situation, their relationship etc. I know in a perfect, ethical world people would always do the right thing but sadly humans are not perfect. It is easy to get scared once you come to signing off on something that makes you legally responsible. He sounds very unprepared and immature guy but that doesn't automatically make him an asshole and responsible for her death.

whilst true we can only judge based on the facts that we have on hand - obviously there might be more or less to the story and also we only have his side of the story not hers

which is why I said I blame him completely for her death...he might be partially responsible but to what extent I would even begin to guess but for the sponsorship part - I completely understand not wanting to do it in the beginning...or at all but once you've made a decision to move forward on something then someone relies that "promise" going back on it is fairly doubebaggery ??? lol

the way I think of it is a less dramatic or legally charged situation but let's say you and a friend were about to meet up for lunch or something and you said during lunch that you would pay for the meal because of (whatever reason) but after the bill comes or at whatever time before actual payment you reneged on that deal (again for whatever reason) now that's kinda of sus no? because at the beginning the friend had no desires for you to pay for the meal and it was you who said I'd pay for it when if you didn't say anything it would be split equally but after you made that "promise" only to go back and renege of it...

Quote from selfmate

whilst true we can only judge based on the facts that we have on hand - obviously there might be more or less to the story and also we only have his side of the story not hers

which is why I said I blame him completely for her death...he might be partially responsible but to what extent I would even begin to guess but for the sponsorship part - I completely understand not wanting to do it in the beginning...or at all but once you've made a decision to move forward on something then someone relies that "promise" going back on it is fairly doubebaggery ??? lol

the way I think of it is a less dramatic or legally charged situation but let's say you and a friend were about to meet up for lunch or something and you said during lunch that you would pay for the meal because of (whatever reason) but after the bill comes or at whatever time before actual payment you reneged on that deal (again for whatever reason) now that's kinda of sus no? because at the beginning the friend had no desires for you to pay for the meal and it was you who said I'd pay for it when if you didn't say anything it would be split equally but after you made that "promise" only to go back and renege of it...

I agree that he shouldn't have offered to sponsor before understanding what it entails but I can't blame him for not going through with it because it is a major undertaking and I have seen it go wrong. I also don't think he is to blame for his girlfriend's death because he couldn't have predicted that outcome.

TW: Suicide.

Quote from Noemi

I agree that he shouldn't have offered to sponsor before understanding what it entails but I can't blame him for not going through with it because it is a major undertaking and I have seen it go wrong. I also don't think he is to blame for his girlfriend's death because he couldn't have predicted that outcome.

TW: Suicide.

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Yours was hypothetical. I can give you a true story. One of my friend's sister inadvertently became a strong support person for a severely depressed friend of hers. She tried her best to help her and always used to listen to her for hours. It was fine at first but overtime, she noticed that her own behavior was changing and she was becoming more and more unhappy and stressed out as the time passed. To preserve her own mental health, she decided she couldn't continue it anymore and talked to her friend and asked her not to contact her for a while. Her friend attempted suicide a couple days after. She thankfully didn't die but my friend's sister got blamed heavily by her family.

Now, I ask you. Do you think she was wrong to offer help and then withdraw? Was she responsible for the suicide attempt?

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which is my point - not sponsoring no biggie reneging on something that you already promised to do...sus

well true whilst he might not have predicted the outcome one might say he did have a hand in the cause of the ultimately situation...like i said I don't put all the blame on me but I also can't say he is not at fault at all whether that's 1% or 40% I don't know but his actions lead to the death of someone...

don't like using the term but it really is giving ASPD...

Quote from selfmate

which is my point - not sponsoring no biggie reneging on something that you already promised to do...sus

well true whilst he might not have predicted the outcome one might say he did have a hand in the cause of the ultimately situation...like i said I don't put all the blame on me but I also can't say he is not at fault at all whether that's 1% or 40% I don't know but his actions lead to the death of someone...

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the question is what exactly did your sister promise to do and not do...if your sister said words to the effect of

I will always be your support person no matter what you can always rely on me

then I might argue then it created a dependency on the part of the friend...

furthermore the next question is what did your sister say to the friend in order to cut that friend out..did you try to explain it rationally that

look I'm more than happy to continue to be there for you but I need to cut down the hours we spend together because of my own issues and etc etc

that to me would be "acceptable" (is that even the right wording???) and a good way of letting the friend know and also to maybe bringing in a family member of the said friend that look I need to take some time for me and thus if one of you can look after said friend...

responsible - no

was she wrong to offer to help and withdraw - no depending on the situation (as per my comments above)

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I just understand why he chose not to sponsor her is all. The aftereffects of the decision are heartbreaking but when it comes to his part in the whole thing...like you said, 1% or 40%, we can't say as so many details are unknown.

Quote from Noemi

I just understand why he chose not to sponsor her is all. The aftereffects of the decision are heartbreaking but when it comes to his part in the whole thing...like you said, 1% or 40%, we can't say as so many details are unknown.

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It's not my sister. My friend's sister ><

From what I know of the situation, she did explain her situation to her friend. She asked for some time off in a way to deal with her own mental health. Basically, my friend's sister started to feel panicked and would cry after her talks with her friend. She was also very moody and quiet, very unlike herself since she is a gregarious person...but her friend still saw it as abandonment. As the friend had come to depend on her a lot, the sudden loss pushed her to try and end her life.

yeap yeap

Quote from selfmate

yeap yeap

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I know maybe sometimes the words as written doesn't come out well lol communication is hard even in person let alone on the internet using only words...

hmmm...that's what I thought...in a lot of these situations I can see the FRIEND becoming dependent on the sister as an emotional cushion so to speak and thus the withdrawal of it can lead to a downward spiral...

I empthasie with your sister since I too had a friend who would cut themselves and I would be there for them and I knew that at times when I had to leave the environment it was a tense situation for the two of us since one never knew what my friend would do or not do in my absense...

it's a sad situation all round... is your sister doing ok following the situation?

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Quote from Noemi

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She is better but she did go to therapy for an year or so after. She doesn't contact that friend anymore. The friend's family really put the blame on her and she herself felt responsible. It took a toll on her mental and physical health and she doesn't want to go through that again. Her personality did change a lot but she is overall happy, which is what matters.