I feel like all of my friendships are going down the gutter

people are not allowed to be vulnerable and insecure of course

being desperate is clearly not a normal human sign

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Them or the guy?

Idk man, bashing someone for a month bc they don't wanna date you is just icky for me. OK in middle school maybe, not for grown ass adults.

i was sarcastic

its very sad that being emotionally vulnerable in any way always gets used against you

btw how old are you?

since joining college i drifted apart from all of my lifelong close friends and now i just graduated and i am still in contact with them but barely enough to call them close friends by any stretch

but im not sad about it I think its better this way

but I am slightly worried about when I'm gonna start making new close friends soon

WTF, they're horrible people. You're in the right here. It's sick to say that somebody who is clearly still grieving is a loser for that. Nobody in that gc is emotionally mature other than you. That girl has to realize that rejection is normal and other people that bashing somebody for having a valid reason to reject your friend is juvenile.

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Basically the title

Maybe I'm the problem or too judgemental

I'm just gonna outline some of it and you guys can give me some outsider perspective

Friendship problem #1: These are a group of people I used to work with in high-school. For me that job was a student job that I moved on from when I got a job in my own field. I still stay in contact with them in a GC. Im abit of an outsider at this point.. So recently a new dude was added to their department. One fo the girls asked him out but he rejected her as he lost his partner 2 years ago and still not ready to date. Since then the GC has turned into some bashing ground of this dude and everyone rants over how much of a loser he is for not moving on after two years. This is really leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I think they are horrible people and this is going to workplace bullying territory. I tried to talk to them, I was dismissed as I am not there so I wouldn't know.

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It sounds like they’re not really friends anymore, or at least they don’t see you as one, even if they say you are. In friendship, sometimes you need to use some tough love and explain what they did wrong and why it was bad and hold them accountable. It sounds like you at least tried to do that, which is amazing, but they didn’t react well to it, which on on them.

Also, if they saw you as a friend, they wouldn’t say: “You’d need to be there to know”. They’d trust you to understand, because friends trust each other. I’d explain these two things to them and cut ties with them. Something along the lines of: “Look, I understand your feelings were hurt when he rejected you, and that’s fine. It’s okay to be hurt by that. What’s not okay is to talk bad about him behind his back. I thought all of you were above workplace drama, but I guess not. Seeing how you acted bothered me and I’m not comfortable being friends with you anymore, so I hope it was worth it. I tried to tell you once and you wouldn’t listen, so I’m putting my foot down now. I gave you a chance, but you didn’t take it, so that’s on you. Also, I thought you trusted me, but now I’m not so sure. Aren’t friends supposed to trust each other? Why didn’t you trust me to understand?”

Of course you might want to rephrase it to be nicer, but something like that. Hopefully it gets the point across. If they double down on their actions, leave and get out of that group chat right away. If they show any remorse or apologize, it’s up to you what you do with it and why.

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What do you think about problem #2 and 3?

And overall

Do you think I'm too judgemental of my friends

Oh I didn't see the other problems in the replies, wait let me read but so far you're in the right

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I'm in my 20s, after university and a few years of work

well i guess we are close in age

im really hoping to find some friends irl when i start working or its gonna be hard

my mom wont be by my side forever and online friends dont always fulfill my needs

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT no you're not judgmental whatsoever, what's wrong with all of those people? First of all, you're housing friend two but she's being a slob? Like, you're helping her out, least she can do is clean up after herself. The ideologies... a lot of people got radicalized during covid. It's sad.

And the last guy is horrible. That he's willing to allow her to end up in the streets shows you he's just a selfish coward. Wow.

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Adult friendship is hard

I think my closest adult friends are my coworkers at this point. Idk how will that pan out when I find a new job.

just change friends easy

i dont believe in the concept of forever friends

only family ( the good ones ) are forever

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I still can't accept that he turned out like that

I'm so disappointed sooo sooo soooo disappointed

I asked him if he atleast avoided sexual contact with her, he said no bc again he felt pressured.

poor woman, literally the only thing left for her now in that type of society is to become a prostitute.

I can't even look him or talk to him

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Sure he felt pressured, what a slimy guy!!!!!!!!!!!! Poor her. He's horrible.

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Friendship problem #2: I have a friend whom I know since when I was 5 or 6. Ofc over the years of life we are going on different path and our personalities are diverging. I used to tolerate some of the differences really rather than enjoy them. I had to house her for 2 month bc she lost her rental and let's just say being roommates wasn't really for us. I am a clean freak and the sight of seeing dishes in the sink really killed me.. However things have gotten worse since pandemic. She seem to have adapted both far right and far left ideologies. I kid you not. Sometimes I need a tin foil to talk to her. Part of me thinks maybe it's just a phase, other part thinks this is just painful at this point and I should cut them lose.

I think this friendship has the potential to maybe be fixed with a few discussions and boundaries in place, if you’d like to do that.

First of all, the different personalities. It can happen and it can work great sometimes. Me and Kitty are opposites in a lot of ways and we love each other a lot. However, it doesn’t always work, as seen in cases like yours. I’d say, if possible, if you two try and make amends, shoot for being more casual friends. Like, the type who might see each other every so often and gets along when you do meet, but isn’t joined at the hip or best friends for life or anything like that.

As for the dishes thing, I understand. It can be annoying to look at and deal with. It’s your house after all. Because if that, I would have pulled her aside one day and gently explained the issue and why it annoyed you. You can even offer to help her or remind her once in a while at the beginning if she needs it. I know that situation is over now, but that could have been one way to handle it. Someone who is your friend would have agreed, not only because it’s your house, and your rules by extension, but because they want to make you feel happy and comfortable. If they still didn’t do it, even after the talk and a few polite reminders, I’d requestion the friendship and how much they care about me and what I want. Sure, if it was a huge request, that would be another story, but this was a small and simple thing that clearly meant a lot to you, so it’s a different story.

As for the political one, sit down and have a talk with her. Explain that politics are pretty controversial and sensitive for a lot of people. Express that it’s great that she has her opinions, and you have yours, but since they don’t align, and hers seem so extreme, it sometimes makes you uncomfortable to listen to hers. Put a rule that goes for both of you to not discuss any politics, ever, with each other. As a solution, suggest some political spaces you know of where she can freely say what she thinks and encourage her to use those instead, since people there will want to listen to her perspective more.

Make sure she knows you’re still willing to talk to almost everything else with her, you just don’t want to get political. Hopefully she’ll take it well and understand. If she forgets and slips up once or twice after agreeing, I’d blame it on forgetfulness and cut her some slack. If she repeatedly forgets or it doesn’t feel like she’s making much of an effort, or isn’t willing to do it in the first place, it’s up to you how you handle that and what you choose to do with the friendship. At the end of the day, how you handle any of these situations is your decision, all I can do is give an outsider’s perspective based on what I do know.

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If they ever find him on social media and try to sue him, I will help

If I knew anything about her, heck I would find her on internet and give his info out

The fact he slept with her is what makes me especially mad

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I'm so not that confrontational to friends lmao

But maybe I gotta be

Neither am I normally, but being on here made me change my perspective. Sometimes you just have to firmly put your foot down and say enough is enough. Alternatively, you could just silently dip out of the group chat without saying anything. They should know why you left based on trying to explain yourself earlier. Hopefully they get the message and at least let you go in peace.

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Friendship problem #1: These are a group of people I used to work with in high-school. For me that job was a student job that I moved on from when I got a job in my own field. I still stay in contact with them in a GC. Im abit of an outsider at this point.. So recently a new dude was added to their department. One fo the girls asked him out but he rejected her as he lost his partner 2 years ago and still not ready to date. Since then the GC has turned into some bashing ground of this dude and everyone rants over how much of a loser he is for not moving on after two years. This is really leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I think they are horrible people and this is going to workplace bullying territory. I tried to talk to them, I was dismissed as I am not there so I wouldn't know.

one issue at a time my friend

well let the guild chat rant...sure they don't seem like decent people but is it affecting you in any major way?

if it's bothering you then either:

1. put a stop to it by confronting them and explaining a different pov - it might work it might not...the worse outcome is they kick you out of the gc and bitch about you instead - could you handle that? are you close to these people to care?

2. leave the group chat - same as no. 1 but again do you care enough for these people?

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Friendship problem #3: he is one of best dudes. Someone I would have literally put in my bridal party before this incident. After covid, his parents convinced him to go back home and visit family with them over the summer. He did go and he got ambushed with an arranged marriage by his grandparents. He didn't put up a big fight to oppose them bc he didn't wanted to strain their relationships. Long story short, he married someone back home that he has no plan of ever acknowledging as a spouse or supporting her or anything. What I know from their culture, as a man he had much more freedom to refuse the match and say no compare to her. As a woman she had alot less power than him. Now if he doesn't bring her here, after a while they might literally throw her in the streets and she will be homeless. I would undrestand if he had a gun to his head or sth, but he just didn't wanted to argue and now just wants to forget about it.

Idk is it too judgemental that I think he is a horrible person over 1 action in his life? I don't think I can ever see him as the friend he was before

No helping this guy, but I’d find out more. How does she feel about him? Does she at least like him? If not, that’s a huge problem. In my opinion, no one should ever marry someone they don’t truly love, but I do understand that sadly not all marriages are like that for one reason or another.

I’d try and explain to him what he’s effectively doing to her and why it’s so bad. Get him to file a divorce right away. Tell him that it’s great he likes his grandparents and all, but he shouldn’t become a pushover for them and do whatever they say. That’s not how healthy relationships work at all, for anyone. He also shouldn’t have married her, and make sure he knows that and has it drilled into him throughly. See if there’s any way you can help the bride if possible. Any resources you can direct her to or any comfort or assurance you can provide, if you feel up to that. Keep them far apart from each other if possible.

After they’re divorced and you give him a piece of your mind, drop him. Never meet up with him again, block him everywhere, the whole deal. Something about how he ruined someone else’s life, so if anything, he should be grateful you didn’t ruin his more. There’s no hope for him.

Quote from Lulu_Key

Friendship problem #2: I have a friend whom I know since when I was 5 or 6. Ofc over the years of life we are going on different path and our personalities are diverging. I used to tolerate some of the differences really rather than enjoy them. I had to house her for 2 month bc she lost her rental and let's just say being roommates wasn't really for us. I am a clean freak and the sight of seeing dishes in the sink really killed me.. However things have gotten worse since pandemic. She seem to have adapted both far right and far left ideologies. I kid you not. Sometimes I need a tin foil to talk to her. Part of me thinks maybe it's just a phase, other part thinks this is just painful at this point and I should cut them lose.

next

communication - try speaking to said friend about why she believes in such things...given that you said you merely tolerated her and not actually enjoy her presence it would seem like you never really cared that much for her to begin with...if communication fails because she has very differing pov and that conflicts with your pov or communication fails because she doesn't want to or seems capable of handling a conversation then bye felicia...what's to lose?

Quote from Lulu_Key

Friendship problem #3: he is one of best dudes. Someone I would have literally put in my bridal party before this incident. After covid, his parents convinced him to go back home and visit family with them over the summer. He did go and he got ambushed with an arranged marriage by his grandparents. He didn't put up a big fight to oppose them bc he didn't wanted to strain their relationships. Long story short, he married someone back home that he has no plan of ever acknowledging as a spouse or supporting her or anything. What I know from their culture, as a man he had much more freedom to refuse the match and say no compare to her. As a woman she had alot less power than him. Now if he doesn't bring her here, after a while they might literally throw her in the streets and she will be homeless. I would undrestand if he had a gun to his head or sth, but he just didn't wanted to argue and now just wants to forget about it.

Idk is it too judgemental that I think he is a horrible person over 1 action in his life? I don't think I can ever see him as the friend he was before

communication!!! have you tried talking to your friend about this situation and the consequences of his actions on another person? explain to him that his actions will have potentially dire consequences for another human being who is in a much more vulnerable state than he is and has much much less power to change things...

to me the issue is always communication in any relationship

go into the meeting or whatever with the aim of not trying to change the other person per se since I believe that there is no changing another person's opinion they have to change it for themselves...

but rather go into the discussion with the purpose of understanding why the other person is behaving/acting/saying the things they are doing

once you come to some sort of understanding as to why the other person is doing such a thing then you challenge that understanding with examples/questions etc to get that person to understand a different point of view...

ie. they see your pov and you see their pov - then and only then is it on them to change if they want to change and you to no longer be friends if their actions do not align with your morals

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Luckily she found another place and moved already

I don't think I will ever have as a roommate though

That’s good to hear.

I understand why. I don’t know that I would either.

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In the cultural context women don't have much or any say in their marriage. So it was truly his responsibility to avoid this.

Divorce doesn't exist in their religion, even if he legally divorces her, she will still be an outcast. There is literally no saving for that woman's life.

I see. This situation is worse than I thought. I’d give him a huge earful and end up screaming some common sense into him since he clearly has none, and then drop him as a friend, or just drop him without doing that. Either way, don’t stay friends with a piece of trash like him.

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Yes I have to tried to talk to him

Alot bc I feel so sorry for the woman

He usually dismisses it as she will be fine

The only time he admitted guilt was when he got drunk with our other friends and confessed to the whole debacle. I think his intentions were to hide this from us and only slipped in our mutual friend stag party. After that he is pretending it never happened or it's not as bad as he made it while he was drunk.

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Whst a literal piece of trash human being.

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This is really scary to me

I don't think I can ever trust people

This is someone I fully trusted before this

I’d feel the same way if I was in your situation.