Throughout my life my sister shamed me for crying saying I was faking it when I cried or felt bad for the shit she or my family did. I internalised it to a point where I still can't cry in front of others and feel wrong even if I cry alone. Since I saw my family cry often and stop the second they got what they wanted from me, when my friends or loved ones cry I feel like they are faking it or being melodramatic. I hate it.
When younger me had a tough time at home the outside world didn't believe me so instead of expressing my feelings or frustration. I developed this habit of breaking into a cheek hurting smile. Now whenever I hear tragic or devastating news. My face somehow contorts into a creepy ass smile. No matter how much I try to control it, it happens. I feel the people that actually love me feel bad about my warped views on crying and my weird ass smile so I wanna change.
