i'm taping little flowers to my colored envelopes
beautiful creature,
i haven't seen you in years. how is your home treating you?
do you live there anymore? if i work up the courage to call the landline, will i be greeted with a voice of familiarity?
am i just that summer camp girlfriend to you? i don't even know why i would ask that because the answer was no.
you're more than a summer camp boyfriend to me, but i think you know that by now.
i mean, we made something beautiful at a camp for troubled kids with "tech addictions"
you never quite told me why you were there.
we shared all the same mental illnesses anyway.
it wasn't long until you found out why i was there, but piece by piece, you put me back together.
i have giant gaps in the memory that has been my lifetime, and i'm glad you're not included in them.
but i remember the day you left like it was yesterday.
it really was just like any other day at camp.
counselors bustling around, our new friends fucking around and acting all crazy.
your baby sister cried and begged to stay because she wanted to spend more time with me.
her tear-filled, piercing blue eyes will forever be burned into my brain.
and your parents waited in the van.
you kissed me one last time and said goodbye.
i think some part of me knew i would likely never see you again.
or if i did, i would have to wait a while.
we talked, but as expected, we lost touch.
a year later in 2019 you asked if it would be just better for the both of us to stop talking and forget each other.
i agreed for your sake. and you told me the way i always put everyone before me still makes me so damn irresistable.
why did i let you go?
now i need you again but you blocked me and i had blocked you.
how i would give every one of my precious belongings to speak to you again.
i hope one day i work up the courage to call you again.
i'm still afraid i'll look fucking crazy.
but i would rather live my life having you think i'm crazy, rather than having never tried and missing out on a lifetime of happiness.
i want courage.
i would die but i don't know if i would still be able to relive our memories like i do in my dreams.
i can live the rest of my life alone if i never find you again.
i can do this.
i'm taping little flowers to my colored envelopes, thinking of you
