i need help with school

What is the prompt?

1. The first half of the essay has sentences that repeat the same sentiment twice. You can shorten those (unless you need it for the word count lol). Example: As it isn't as common in other places around the world, it is most common in the United States.

2. This is an extremely long sentence. Parentheses within parentheses probably means you can divide it into multiple sentences:

The constant reminder from siblings or classmates of the phobia (teasing about the phobia, or constant showing ((teasing with pictures, videos, etc.)) of the phobia) can cause permanent damage to the child's mental state, and grow so big of a fear that they can, and will pass out when they see blood or gore.

3. I think there's room to explain a bit more about how to overcome the phobia.

4. There's also room to improve how you use quotes, but you didn't mention what level/grade you're in.

General feedback

Are there outlines provided for the task? Like a word count or criteria that must be met?

Quote from Valarie

No? Let me tell you!

Like for e.g. Is it allowed to be informal? Generally essays aren't really informal but if your teacher said you can make it informal I guess you can keep this.

It looks very short for an essay but again, I don't know the word count.

Tips for improvement: integration of quotes could be done better - try to expand on the relevance of the quote if that makes sense? The one quote with the statistic transitioning to the next quote and its paragraph seems a bit arbitrary. You can definitely expand on both paragraphs and somehow link them.

More specific feedback

Quote from Valarie

Most children (more so young children)

I would generally avoid parentheses in essays as well, it's just not as sophisticated as proper sentences. I would change this to "Most children, predominantly younger ones..."

Quote from Valarie

(when you see blood or gore)

You can remove this because it has already been established in the introduction. The first sentence can be changed to "Hemophobia is the fear of viewing blood and gore" so you don't need the parentheses in the following paragraph.

Quote from Valarie

It is not hard to overcome, most of the time.

Comma is not necessary

Quote from Valarie

Most children (more so young children) with this phobia often experience tantrums, cry, hide, hyperventilate, and more. It is common at a young age to be afraid of blood and gore, but not as you get older. Most adults and or teenagers grow out of their phobia, but it doesn't always happen.

This should've been linked with the "average age for onset hemophobia..." statistic because this info along with the statistic you introduced earlier are relevant to each other. And THEN introduce the vasovagal response information. The jump from the average age paragraph to the vasovagal one, again, seemed a bit arbitrary.

LMAO I just realised I may have been too late to this but this was kind of a good exercise for me. Tell us how you went with this task.

Quote from Valarie

i have to submit an essay about a phobia, I chose hemophobia

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Hemophobia is a phobia of blood and gore.

As it isn't as common in other places around the world, it is most common in the United States. This phobia is mainly caused by past trauma.

The symptoms of experiencing this phobia (when you see blood or gore) for an adult are trouble breathing, rapid heart rate, shaking and or trembling, lightheadedness, hot or cold flashes, and more.

It's not only horrifying to experience this, but you cannot control your fear so that makes it even scarier.

For children, this fear can increase as your brain develops.

The constant reminder from siblings or classmates of the phobia (teasing about the phobia, or constant showing ((teasing with pictures, videos, etc.)) of the phobia) can cause permanent damage to the child's mental state, and grow so big of a fear that they can, and will pass out when they see blood or gore.

"The average age of onset for hemophobia is 9.3 years for males and 7.5 years for females." a quote from Timothy J Legg a neurophysiologist. So as you can see, the start of the phobia averages at a young age. But it can develop at any age.

"Some 80 percent of people with hemophobia experience a vasovagal response" Is vasovagal response something you know?

No? Let me tell you! The vasovagal response is when you faint because the body overreacts to certain triggers.

Most children (more so young children) with this phobia often experience tantrums, cry, hide, hyperventilate, and more. It is common at a young age to be afraid of blood and gore, but not as you get older. Most adults and or teenagers grow out of their phobia, but it doesn't always happen.

In conclusion, hemophobia is a very common phobia among young children. It is not hard to overcome, most of the time.

Thank you for reading my essay.

You don't have to read all of it, but just skim it over and tell me what I could fix lol

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It's really nice! Just a few suggestions

- Try not using the same word inmedietly after you've already used it.

"As it isn't as common in other places around the world, it is most common in the United States." Here you can replace the second or first common with 'most usually/most often seen', or 'mostly seen'.

"This phobia is mainly caused by past trauma.

The symptoms of experiencing this phobia..." Here you could change "this phobia" for 'it' or 'hemophobia'

- Try not to place punctuation marks before But. You can use coma , or semi-colon ;

- "...hemophobia is a very common phobia..." In this case phobia isn't necessary since the reader already knows what's being talked about. Say "hemophobia is very common" instead

These are just some tips. It was actually a really interesting read I hope you get a good grade

why am i always late to this stuff