i used to be a straightforward, no-nonsense type of person who got straight As in school and was always class president but everything changed on my 12th birthday. i insisted on just eating out but my mom wanted to invite a bunch of family over and hire a

clown to entertain my younger cousins so i had no choice but to go along with it. the party was going alright but when it was time for the show, the dude was nowhere to be found so my mom asked me to go look for him. i found the guy in our garage. he had a plastic bag over his nose & mouth and right next to him was a can of paint thinner. i guess he must've gotten startled because the next thing i knew, he lunged at me and bit my arm. i must've fainted from the shock because i don't remember much after that. found out later in the news that he climbed up a utility pole and got electrocuted because the cops were after him. turns out he was a wanted fugutive responsible for over a dozen murders. i went back to school after recovering from the incident but i still felt a lil bit weird. it wasn't until science class that i realized something was wrong with me. the teacher asked the class if anybody knew what the largest and gassiest planet was in the universe and i instinctively stood up and yelled "uranus!". everybody started laughing and she ran out of the room crying. felt bad after that because i learned that she quit and moved to the countryside to make cheese. i understood then that i was forever changed and can never take anything seriously again. i saw this documentary once about some guy who can shoot spiderwebs out of his hands. it was gross but it had a good message. great power comes with great responsibility. lotta crazy things happened after that like my uncle benjamin the third dying. he didn't get shot by a mugger in a dark alley or anything messed up like that. he just had a really bad case of diarrhea. now i work for a major news conglomerate as a photographer. well, that's what my official job title is written as on their website but in reality, i just stalk and harass celebrities in parking lots and ask them the most assinine questions i can think of