Posts by kddicted

  • Post Your Random Thoughts

    Quote from ellenote

    I don't know what to say. I do understand that you guys are being helpful right now but I'm in a really bad state it's hard for me to understand a lot of the things people are telling me. I would never want anyone else to go through what I'm going through and I know a lot of people disagree with me on suicide but that's really how I feel. Right now I don't need anything. I don't need analysis or anything because I don't want to get better. I really don't care about my life. I don't. I don't see myself like others do, I don't see life like everyone else does. I would never tell someone who is thinking about dying that they should or anything like that because at least they deserve help. I don't. I don't see the meaning in help or getting better because it's not gonna happen to me. I know. It might be hard to explain to others but I truly have figured everything out. I must sound manic or something...sorry.

    I don't expect you to read through stuff here atm and suddenly feel better or something because it doesn't work that way. I get that you're feeling so down no words might be able to help you, and that's okay. there's nothing to be sorry for and you don't sound manic to me at all. rather than trying to help you I just hope it got across that you're cared about, and if so that's good enough.

  • Post Your Random Thoughts

    Quote from ellenote

    I shouldn't go into too much detail but I can't get threapy right now and frankly I don't want it. This conversation is going no where because I really am fine with dying, I don't see a problem with it. Nor do I need sympathy and what not. I have had depression for 6 years now. Nothing helps

    Therapy doesn't either. They'll just put you on meds. I don't quite understand why suicide is seen as a bad thing. Because I see it as freedom. I would love to finally be free from this world. Of course I want to be "alive". I would love to be like other people I see at my school, with friends, food at home, girlfriends or boyfriends, but I will never have that. Considering me, I would probably cause people more harm than good. I'm fine. I truly am. I don't care for anything anymore. And I thought I'd find the escape I needed on here but that facade can only last so long until it's time to go back to reality.

    therapy talk aside. so if other people tell you they want to do it, will you tell them you don't understand why it's bad and to do it because it will give them freedom and allow them to escape this world? the truth is you only think it's okay because it's about your own self and you can't see how important your existence is. because you're exhausted from how you feel and have felt for years, what you believe you've caused other people (to be hurt, a burden), from watching other people live what appears to be a normal life doing normal things and you can only watch while feeling you'll never have that. you're not fine at all, people who cared too much once end up not caring at all, or wanting to care, to protect themselves. no one is pitying you, that's not the reason why there have been responses to your posts. I hope you take care of yourself.

  • Post Your Random Thoughts

    Quote from ellenote

    I don't want to see myself when im older. I'm a terrible person now I would never want to see how I would turn out older. This whole "find your place" or "discover" your place in this world are for other people.. I will never have that. I don't even want a journey because nothing will help me. No threapy, no talking, nothing...and my place here is stuck playing a persona that I hate. Everyday I see myself get worse and worse. It would be pretty funny if my cause of death was "trolling on kpop website" it would be true though.

    I know what you mean, I can see that you use this place and the persona you've created here to get by with your days and the dissatisfaction you seem to feel with your reality whether that is circumstances, family, school, your emotions, and thoughts, etc (might be wrong but that's how you come across). I'm like you too so I think the whole finding your place discovery thing is bs too, and I know how it is to have experienced a period of only having online friends and thinking resources are all fake bs repeating itself, to hate school and the system we're given in life, to feel hopeless. but if you have nothing to lose anymore, staying is enough. you're good enough, do you think a truly terrible person would ever call themselves terrible? it's okay to let yourself feel down as well, you don't have to smile it off if you're not feeling up for it. but remember, there are always people who can see past how you present yourself, and how you see yourself isn't always true. you're not a debby downer or stubborn, it's understandable that you're unhappy. what I and people here say to you atm might be of no help and that's okay, I just hope you keep fighting the unhappiness in the present so you can meet the happier version of yourself in the future.

  • Post Your Random Thoughts

    Quote from ellenote

    there's no place in this world for me. It's good to die young, isn't it?

    you just haven't found your place yet, and it's worth staying around to see what that will be

    if you can't think of life positively rn, it'd be good to think of it as a journey instead, why not stay to see what you'll find?

    although this is only akp which is online you always have a place here :claps: