This is going to be a long post about something I have no one in real life to talk to. I'm also currently in school and will not be seeing my psychiatrist any time soon. I need a place to fully unburden myself.
I have been screaming and throwing things at my parents lately. I thought I had left this in the past but it has been resurfacing again and I don't know what to do about it. The worst outcome possible happened today, where I accidently "targeted' my sister. I lost complete control of my emotions, threw my Biology book at my dad and started crying uncontrollably on the staircase. This frightened my sister and she started crying as well. I calmed down a few minutes later, but she said something to me, barely two words — "Behind you" (our cat was walking behind me) and for some reason I ran up to her, putting my arms in a way that insinuated that I wanted to slap her hard. She started crying again and my dad came out of his room, grabbed me by the arm and held me against the wall asking me what I had done. I started crying again and went downstairs to the living room. Kept on crying and eventually came upstairs to the second floor again to keep doing my homework. There I kept arguing with my sister because she hadn't turned off the TV in her room (our house has a third floor, that's where her bedroom is). She still didn't do it so I took her teddy bear and she started crying again. I fought with my parents again and they kept asking why I was so mad and what was wrong with me. My mom shrugged her arms after we were done arguing and I started mocking her and yelling again while going to the third floor. A few minutes later I went to the second floor again to do my homework, figured I wouldn't complete it today and just left it for tomorrow.
In all honesty I don't know what's wrong with me. I lived a priviliged life in a nice home, with good food and a school with friendly teachers and a decent amount of work. Caring and loving parents. But I still constantly feel empty. I'm always sad, and insecure, and frustrated. I cry everytime I look at myself in the mirror. I hate taking pictures of myself because it makes me upset for the rest of the day. And I hate the way I am as a person. I'm always told that I'm kind, thoughtful, and generous, yet everyone keeps abandoning me. My parents are fun, and are generally better than most parents seem; they don't slap me or hit me. But at the same time, they never listen to me when I actually want to have a discussion about our relationship. They're always right about everything, and everything bad that happens in this house is my fault. My dad never listens to me. He shames me for being insecure about myself, he never wants to hear my perspective, and he always yells at me for doing the same things he does.
Lately I have noticed that I have been copying his behavior. I've noticed this since a couple of years ago, actually. Screaming at my parents, yelling in general, getting mad about every little thing... These are all things he does to his own family, and when I realized that I was doing those same acts, I told him:
"Hey dad, I thought maybe we could improve on these things together, as a team, to better ourselves".
And the response I got was that it was my fault, and that I had learned those things by myself. I tried explaining to him what HE had taught me when I was younger: that children will always seek guidance in figures of authority, whether that be a father, mother, elder sibling, etc. Why will he credit himself for teaching me good things, but not the bad things? I never blamed him anwyways. I have specifically TRIED to tell him that we are both at fault and that we can help each other to improve our behaviors.
My mother defends him completely. And sometimes she says she talks with him about this stuff... Then why does he keep doing these things?
Why do I feel so spoiled yet so forgotten at the same time? I have nothing to complain about yet I feel like nothing in my life is going well. I feel ungrateful, bratty, and so, so pathetic. I just wish I could be like everyone else. Sometimes I wish my parents would slap and hit me because I feel like they are too lenient on me; Everyone I know gets slapped by their parents. And somehow, sometimes I still wish they were actually considerite about how I feel. How does that work? Those are two opposite desires that clash, and honestly, I think it's because I wish they were more normal. Most parents I've heard of use physical punishments, but still listen to their kids' concerns. Why is the exact opposite with mine?
I feel disgusting everytime I scream and throw things around the house.
This is all so contradictory and hypocritical of me. Nothing of what I've written has made sense.
everyone copes differently but a suggestion I would give is to start writing in a journal, your unfiltered daily thoughts/emotions so you won't end up lashing out in outbursts. and to identify your triggers, what exactly is it that made this habit resurface? are there actions and words from others that set you off? everytime you feel like yelling and throwing things again, take a few minutes to breathe deeply and reflect on whether you will regret it later if you act upon it.
