personal rant 4

  • i pray for an online year

    sweat, coming to the surface

    i know when i walk into a classroom, the little fractures in my soul split open once again.

    floors floors floors

    look at the fucking floor

    is it that weird white tile-y shit with red blue yellow streaks?

    no no it's carpet.

    smell, what does it smell like?

    stale with a hint of coffee.

    keep walking, only look up if i absolutely must

    the objective is to find a seat

    you know, a place to park my unsteady ass for one hour and forty five minutes.

    where's the corner? where's the furthest i can go?

    fuck these stairs, one day i'll probably fall up them and look like a complete klutz

    are they looking at me? no it's just me.

    but what if they all know about my past somehow? i never wanted friends here anyway.

    why is she looking at me like that? i don't know her.

    shit shit she HAS to know about high school

    i can slide into a seat in the aft of the room but the nightmare has just begun

    i hate this dorm bed.

    not enough room for me to be comfortable in fetal position on my side.

    go ahead and undo all the years of my chiropractors work, why don't you?

    have i taken my night medications yet?

    the skinny pill, the acne pill, the birth control pill

    of course i need two of the skinny ones, i don't give a fuck if i'm underweight

    and my throat aches but it's worth it because my skin is clearing up, right?

    i'll laugh it up for the birth control pill

    you have endometriosis, you can't have kids, no man would've wanted you anyway

    except for the one exception..

    i'll shut my eyes every night and return to the only the place that makes me happy

    i'll have more time sitting next to you in that white gazebo, holding your hand

    it wasn't for a while but it was enough for me

    i think i'll see you soon someday, and it will be forever.

    i pray for an online year just like this one

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