anyone else go through this?

too lazy to read bestie

Wow, so many Chinese related to Aussie here. selfmate  Armedryu

Quote from creamylove

woah, i’ve made three threads in one day, personal record for me (it’s a little embarrassing for me to see so many threads up in the lounge...i’ve got lots to say today aha). I thought of this right before i was about to sleep so i’m gonna go night night right after i post this.

before i go in too deeply into my life story of self-hatred lol, it’s good to know before that i’m an ABC (aussie born chinese) for some context

i went through a umm...period of culture hate, i suppose. I was really proud of my bilingual abilities, right up until when i was 7 till i was 13. When i was that age, i absolutely HATED and i mean HATED being associated with anything Chinese. I don’t know if this was because the school i went to was predominantly white with people with really...white (i guess? i feel bad for using this word but idk how else to say it) mentalities.

when i was 7-9 i used to draw myself with blonde hair instead of dark brown. I hated my yellowish skin tint, hated my eyes, hated my nose and hated my hair. Literally everything. So i decided to stop speaking mandarin, or speak it as little as possible, thinking it was “cool” to be able to speak english well, spending a lot of energy into reading only english books and leaving my mandarin abilities to rot. Little me was very stupid.

when i was about 10-13, i took so much freaking pride in my “australian identity”. Like, i’d think oh i’m australian and i’m not chinese lol. It was actually horrible. I..don’t think i had hated myself more than when i was 12 honestly. I vehemently avoided anything and everything to do with Chinese culture, and i hated international day. A true pity, since the most racist person that i knew was myself.

It was around when i was 15, till i started to really appreciate my heritage and abilities to speak two languages. It’s actually such a gift to be able to understand two different cultures...so i’m proud of being able to do that.

i really regret it now. I’m learning mandarin again though, and i’m getting good. I can still speak it just fine, and i can read and write (not at a high level though, i do enough to get by). Now, i’m more proud my taiwanese-hk heritage so a little happier now. Just a lot of regret though, i don’t know when or why it sprang up but it was a disappointing period in my life.

anyways, that’s over now and i was just curious to see if anyone else went through a phase like this?

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I completely understand where you're coming from that phase for me was in primary school when i got bullied and into fights every second day because i was the only chinese in an otherwise white school back in the 90s when bullying wasn't that much of a thing yet.

I completely understand where you're coming from

Quote from NotOnceNorThrice

Wow, so many Chinese related to Aussie here. selfmate  Armedryu

I hate both my heritage and nationality. English ftw.

Quote from Armedryu

I hate both my heritage and nationality. English ftw.

why is that my friend?

Quote from selfmate

why is that my friend?

Idk, I just prefer speaking english anyway cuz I can speak with literally anyone around the world. I was trying to be edgy hating my nationality and heritage XD but I dont hate them

Quote from Armedryu

Idk, I just prefer speaking english anyway cuz I can speak with literally anyone around the world. I was trying to be edgy hating my nationality and heritage XD but I dont hate them

good...lol

I can't imagine someone hating one's own nationality that live in relative peace

Im glad u feel better

I have never gone through something like this tho bcuz my mom always made it clear to me that im Chinese and i shouldn’t give a fuck about what other ppl be sayin

Quote from creamylove

woah, i’ve made three threads in one day, personal record for me (it’s a little embarrassing for me to see so many threads up in the lounge...i’ve got lots to say today aha). I thought of this right before i was about to sleep so i’m gonna go night night right after i post this.

before i go in too deeply into my life story of self-hatred lol, it’s good to know before that i’m an ABC (aussie born chinese) for some context

i went through a umm...period of culture hate, i suppose. I was really proud of my bilingual abilities, right up until when i was 7 till i was 13. When i was that age, i absolutely HATED and i mean HATED being associated with anything Chinese. I don’t know if this was because the school i went to was predominantly white with people with really...white (i guess? i feel bad for using this word but idk how else to say it) mentalities.

when i was 7-9 i used to draw myself with blonde hair instead of dark brown. I hated my yellowish skin tint, hated my eyes, hated my nose and hated my hair. Literally everything. So i decided to stop speaking mandarin, or speak it as little as possible, thinking it was “cool” to be able to speak english well, spending a lot of energy into reading only english books and leaving my mandarin abilities to rot. Little me was very stupid.

when i was about 10-13, i took so much freaking pride in my “australian identity”. Like, i’d think oh i’m australian and i’m not chinese lol. It was actually horrible. I..don’t think i had hated myself more than when i was 12 honestly. I vehemently avoided anything and everything to do with Chinese culture, and i hated international day. A true pity, since the most racist person that i knew was myself.

It was around when i was 15, till i started to really appreciate my heritage and abilities to speak two languages. It’s actually such a gift to be able to understand two different cultures...so i’m proud of being able to do that.

i really regret it now. I’m learning mandarin again though, and i’m getting good. I can still speak it just fine, and i can read and write (not at a high level though, i do enough to get by). Now, i’m more proud my taiwanese-hk heritage so a little happier now. Just a lot of regret though, i don’t know when or why it sprang up but it was a disappointing period in my life.

anyways, that’s over now and i was just curious to see if anyone else went through a phase like this?

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I'm Viet Hoa (Vietnamese-Chinese.) My grandparents were boat people. My parents were too but they arrived in the US very young and grew up here. I'm American born and spoke basically all English except a few Vietnamese words with my grand parents.

So I basically saw myself as American when I was younger and I was exactly like you. I wished I was white back then because I thought it would have make things easier. I tried to laugh it off when people pulled their eyes back and called me "chinky" or "gooky."

When I was in my teens and began dating, I dated strictly white boys. My dad said he wasn't opposed to me dating because he grew up here too but asked if I would consider a Vietnamese, Chinese or any Asian boy. And I remember laughing and saying "Hell no, dad. I can't date an Asian guy. Nobody likes them!" I remember his face just falling. I couldn't believe how open I was with my prejudice back then -- I couldn't even call it self-hate, I was proud that I was born in the US and an American. It was pure prejudice against Asians. I wasn't the only one because my behavior was re-enforced by other Asian-Americans my age.

But then came KPOP and at last I felt comfortable with something Asian that was cool. (Unlike that "Paris by Night" ancient VPOP stuff that my grandparents liked.) That was when I began delving into Asian culture. My own culture. KPOP really gave me that opening I needed to finally explore my Asian roots without feeling like some backwards FOB (Fresh Off the Boat.) KPOP was the perfect blend of modern Western and Asian pop culture. Without it I doubt I could have made the jump -- it was okay to be Asian!

Then I got into CPOP and it was even more "Asian" than KPOP. And then Idol Producer happened. I fell in love with Nine Percent and I found my current boyfriend who was also following IP then. The first Asian boy I had ever dated. Like Nine Percent, he is Chinese and tall and my perception of who I was and where I belong in this world has completely changed :)

I know exactly who I am now.

I love my Chinese heritage, but I do wish sometimes I was half-white just bc they have more privileges in the U.S.

My college is predominantly white as well, so it really made me question whether I belong in the U.S. or not.